So, as most of the planet knows, our Member of Parliament, Nadine Dorries has signed up to appear in the ITV reality show I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. She’s a sitting MP and has (apparently) done this without the agreement of the party at either local or national level. So they’ve suspended her until she comes back and explains herself.
Meanwhile, those of us who live in her constituency of Mid-Bedfordshire (Middle Narnia), are left to twiddle our thumbs between now and when the British public vote her out of the jungle. If certain sections of Twitter have their way, that’ll be never. But we’re not downhearted. We’ve hit upon a cunning plan, employing the tactic used by Have I Got News For You, when presenter Angus Deayton blotted his copybook and was ejected from the show in 2002. Not wanting to rush into finding the right replacement, they got in guest presenters; a move which became so popular that they kept it and now there’s somebody different at the helm every week. So we’re going to do the same thing and have a series of guest MPs to look after our interests until Nadine gets back.
First up we have Ampthill campaigner Matthew Dear, who is going to hold the fort from now until Sunday. Matthew has been spearheading the campaign to tell Central Bedfordshire Council exactly how unhappy we were that they decided our town centre was the perfect place for a lapdancing club. Matthew has already drop-kicked the leader of Central Beds into touch on BBC Three Counties Radio, so we believe that he’s the perfect choice to represent Middle Narnia for the rest of the week. Of his first day in the job he said: “NOBODY has contacted me except Hello, OK, the Daily Mail and a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. And these MPs always moan about how busy they are! Putting this together with Nads month long sojourn in the undergrowth, I have drawn the conclusion that MPs are actually not needed at all and we could save more than a few squids by just abolishing them altogether.” You can follow Matthew’s week in office via his blog.
From Sunday, next week’s guest MP will be parachuting in at great expense from the neighbouring kingdom of Costa del Keynes and she may well bring free chocolate. Currently at No15 on the UK bestsellers chart with her new book With Love at Christmas, Carole Matthews has sold a further 3.5 million books worldwide and has been translated into over 30 languages, including American. She knows Middle Narnia well, can recommend Ampthill Fireplaces, but would advise that you avoid that mad woman on the Woodlands estate. No… wait.
As Queen of Middle Narnia I am working to secure cover for the rest of Nadine’s jungle jape, but I’m confident that we really won’t realise that she’s gone, with this fine selection of people working on our behalf.
Chin up sweetie, we’ll get through.
Love n’ stuff